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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Live-Action ‘Beauty And The Beast’ In The Works

Following the box-office success of the live-action films Maleficent, Oz: The Great and Powerful, and Alice in Wonderland, Disney has announced that it’s planning a live-action version of its 1991 animated classic Beauty and the Beast. What do you think?

  • “I’ve loved sharing the classic animated version with my daughter, and now I’m even more excited to deflate her sense of wonder with a grounded revisionist take.”

    Phillip Neil Office Furniture Shipper
  • “A live-action Lion King might be cool if the cast didn’t eat one another.”

    Janice Keuther Parachute Inspector
  • “Wait—Disney didn’t already release a new live-action version of Beauty and the Beast? Then what the hell did I just watch?”

    Ralph Purnhagen Systems Analyst
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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