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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Lohan Sues E*Trade Over TV Ad

Actress Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against the Internet brokerage E*Trade over a commercial featuring a talking baby named Lindsay who suffers from "milkaholism." What do you think?
  • "That wasn't about Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan suffers from ALCO-holism."

    Scott Holfield Unemployed
  • "That's the baby who has the out-of-control pet beaver, right?"

    Chuck Anderson Store Manager
  • "Man, if she overreacts that badly, I definitely won't be releasing my commercial featuring an anorexic fame-hungry sometimes-lesbian who tries on clothes at Barneys."

    Elizabeth Coslaw Advertising Agent
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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