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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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London Authorities Shut Off Springsteen, McCartney Mics

At a Bruce Springsteen concert in London’s Hyde Park on Saturday, local authorities shut off the power on stage to comply with a 10:30 p.m. curfew, cutting short the show’s finale, in which Paul McCartney performed alongside the Boss. What do you think?

  • “Fact: British people hate the Beatles.”

    Sarah Harmeyer Cooking Instructor
  • “I’m so glad I live in a city where no one polices the park at night.”

    Sean Diez Aeronautics Engineer
  • “Pshaw! A true rock ’n’ roller’s curfew runs until 11 p.m.”

    Jaewoo Kang Systems Analyst
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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