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London Bombings

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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London Bombings

London subways and buses have been targeted in two subway attacks in recent weeks. What do you think?
  • "What? Did these madmen not hear the world denounce these acts just weeks ago?"

    Joshua Banks Veterinary Aid
  • "Well, it certainly led to a lot of poorly Photoshopped crying lions and unicorns in my e-mail."

    Derrick Powers Roofer
  • "The sad thing is, London may now develop anti-Pakistani racism for the first time in its history."

    Dalia Lofton Systems Analyst
  • "Whatever dangers London may face, I am confident that the strong leadership of Her Majesty the Queen can handle any challenge."

    Allen Ward Nurse
  • "Are the Brits flying into a blind rage and invading an oil-producing country for no reason? Well, why not?"

    Carolyn Allen Fire Inspector
  • "As an Irishman, I think whoever's behind this should be found and punished if it isn't us."

    Rodney Price Daycare Operator

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