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London Bombings

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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London Bombings

London subways and buses have been targeted in two subway attacks in recent weeks. What do you think?
  • "What? Did these madmen not hear the world denounce these acts just weeks ago?"

    Joshua Banks Veterinary Aid
  • "Well, it certainly led to a lot of poorly Photoshopped crying lions and unicorns in my e-mail."

    Derrick Powers Roofer
  • "The sad thing is, London may now develop anti-Pakistani racism for the first time in its history."

    Dalia Lofton Systems Analyst
  • "Whatever dangers London may face, I am confident that the strong leadership of Her Majesty the Queen can handle any challenge."

    Allen Ward Nurse
  • "Are the Brits flying into a blind rage and invading an oil-producing country for no reason? Well, why not?"

    Carolyn Allen Fire Inspector
  • "As an Irishman, I think whoever's behind this should be found and punished if it isn't us."

    Rodney Price Daycare Operator

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