adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

London Olympics Doesn't Have Enough Security Guards

Private security firm G4S informed British lawmakers that it would be unable to provide the 10,400 security guards it had promised for the upcoming summer Olympics, admitting that only 4,200 individuals had been trained as of Tuesday. What do you think?

  • “You wouldn’t have this kind of trouble in the United States, where the private sector runs everything with maximum efficiency.”

    Sara Lam Door Fitter
  • “At least they discovered this in time for everyone to be terrified during the games.”

    Emily Meadows Unemployed
  • “You know who had a lot of security guards at the Olympics? Hitler.”

    Phil Engel National Park Ranger

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close