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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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London Olympics Doesn't Have Enough Security Guards

Private security firm G4S informed British lawmakers that it would be unable to provide the 10,400 security guards it had promised for the upcoming summer Olympics, admitting that only 4,200 individuals had been trained as of Tuesday. What do you think?

  • “You wouldn’t have this kind of trouble in the United States, where the private sector runs everything with maximum efficiency.”

    Sara Lam Door Fitter
  • “At least they discovered this in time for everyone to be terrified during the games.”

    Emily Meadows Unemployed
  • “You know who had a lot of security guards at the Olympics? Hitler.”

    Phil Engel National Park Ranger
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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