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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Loneliness Raises Risk Of Early Death

According to a new study by researchers at the University of Chicago, people age 55 and over who regularly feel lonely and isolated have a 14 percent higher risk of early death, partly because loneliness can lead to less restful sleep, high blood pressure, and diminished sense of well-being. What do you think?

  • “Well, at least nobody will miss them.”

    Jason Carpenter Unemployed
  • “This just tells us what we already knew: Practically anything kills the elderly.”

    Ruby Engels Massage Therapist
  • “So I should put my dad in a rest home? Got it. Thanks!”

    Grant Marksman Airline Luggage Assistant

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