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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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  • More News

Long Lines Anticipated At Polls

Despite early voting, some are expecting a record turnout and long lines at polling places Tuesday. What do you think?
  • "Oh, I'm not worried about long lines. I always just show up with my hottest female friends and walk right up to the bouncer."

    Keith Berkowitz Dog Trainer
  • "If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too? And by that I mean I'm not voting."

    Campbell Rautenberg Bank Teller
  • "Well, the long lines will be because of election workers Iris and Mildred. This will be their 17th presidential election since retiring, and they're not as fast at going through the big book of names as they once were."

    Bill Newbrough Truck Driver

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