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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Long Lines Anticipated At Polls

Despite early voting, some are expecting a record turnout and long lines at polling places Tuesday. What do you think?
  • "Oh, I'm not worried about long lines. I always just show up with my hottest female friends and walk right up to the bouncer."

    Keith Berkowitz Dog Trainer
  • "If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too? And by that I mean I'm not voting."

    Campbell Rautenberg Bank Teller
  • "Well, the long lines will be because of election workers Iris and Mildred. This will be their 17th presidential election since retiring, and they're not as fast at going through the big book of names as they once were."

    Bill Newbrough Truck Driver

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