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Long Lines Anticipated At Polls

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Long Lines Anticipated At Polls

Despite early voting, some are expecting a record turnout and long lines at polling places Tuesday. What do you think?
  • "Oh, I'm not worried about long lines. I always just show up with my hottest female friends and walk right up to the bouncer."

    Keith Berkowitz Dog Trainer
  • "If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too? And by that I mean I'm not voting."

    Campbell Rautenberg Bank Teller
  • "Well, the long lines will be because of election workers Iris and Mildred. This will be their 17th presidential election since retiring, and they're not as fast at going through the big book of names as they once were."

    Bill Newbrough Truck Driver

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