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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Long Space Voyages May Damage Vision

MRI scans of astronauts who have been on long space flights found evidence of intracranial hypertension, which could damage eyesight. What do you think?

  • “Not to diminish the wonder of space travel, but surely we can find cheaper and safer ways to blind astronauts here on Earth.”

    Mickey Jacildo Furniture Cleaner
  • "First pro football, now aerospace. What's a guy supposed to do for a living if he wants universal adulation without brain damage?"

    Jermaine Moorish Forge Utility Worker
  • "Can NASA not afford sunglasses anymore?"

    Darcy Cox Unemployed

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