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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Long Space Voyages May Damage Vision

MRI scans of astronauts who have been on long space flights found evidence of intracranial hypertension, which could damage eyesight. What do you think?

  • “Not to diminish the wonder of space travel, but surely we can find cheaper and safer ways to blind astronauts here on Earth.”

    Mickey Jacildo Furniture Cleaner
  • "First pro football, now aerospace. What's a guy supposed to do for a living if he wants universal adulation without brain damage?"

    Jermaine Moorish Forge Utility Worker
  • "Can NASA not afford sunglasses anymore?"

    Darcy Cox Unemployed
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