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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Long Space Voyages May Damage Vision

MRI scans of astronauts who have been on long space flights found evidence of intracranial hypertension, which could damage eyesight. What do you think?

  • “Not to diminish the wonder of space travel, but surely we can find cheaper and safer ways to blind astronauts here on Earth.”

    Mickey Jacildo Furniture Cleaner
  • "First pro football, now aerospace. What's a guy supposed to do for a living if he wants universal adulation without brain damage?"

    Jermaine Moorish Forge Utility Worker
  • "Can NASA not afford sunglasses anymore?"

    Darcy Cox Unemployed

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