Longer Work Day May Increase Heart Attack Risk

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Vol 47 Issue 14

Detroit Pistons JumboTron Not Even Trying Anymore

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Making flippant remarks about the game such as "BASKETBALL GAME HAPPENING NOW" and "WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS?" the Detroit Pistons' JumboTron has reportedly stopped trying to pretend to care abou...

Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move

BRIGHTON, NY—Patrons of the Full Moon Tavern are reporting that oh, God, area man Darrell Barnes is walking right up to that beautiful woman sitting by the window.

Zip-Lining Day Trip To Somehow Save Marriage

CONCORD, NH—According to sources, the deteriorating 10-year-old marriage of Dale and Gina Byer will somehow be magically restored this weekend by a zip-lining excursion to the mountains of northern New Hampshire.

Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing

COLUMBUS, OH—Audience members at Crossroads Cinema were treated to an unexpected delight Friday when someone in the crowd shouted out a hilarious thing at the exact right moment, sources reported.
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Longer Work Day May Increase Heart Attack Risk

A new study revealed that people who worked 11 or more hours a day ran a 67 percent greater risk of having a heart attack than those who worked seven or eight hours a day. What do you think?

  • "On the other hand, if I put in those hours, not only can I make partner, but I'll also have saved enough to afford the bypass operation."

    Carl Licht
    Attorney
  • "I work 11 hours a day, but my boss only pays me for eight—what does that do to my heart?"

    Steve Magnuson
    Mechanic
  • "Yeah, but when I stop to think about it, shaving a few extra years off my life is a small price to pay to be able to enjoy the nonstop thrills and inner fulfillment of my normal 8-to-8 workday cold-calling elderly people and trying to persuade them to buy supplementary life insurance."

    Jean Kramer
    Insurance Salesperson
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