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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Longer Work Day May Increase Heart Attack Risk

A new study revealed that people who worked 11 or more hours a day ran a 67 percent greater risk of having a heart attack than those who worked seven or eight hours a day. What do you think?

  • "On the other hand, if I put in those hours, not only can I make partner, but I'll also have saved enough to afford the bypass operation."

    Carl Licht Attorney
  • "I work 11 hours a day, but my boss only pays me for eight—what does that do to my heart?"

    Steve Magnuson Mechanic
  • "Yeah, but when I stop to think about it, shaving a few extra years off my life is a small price to pay to be able to enjoy the nonstop thrills and inner fulfillment of my normal 8-to-8 workday cold-calling elderly people and trying to persuade them to buy supplementary life insurance."

    Jean Kramer Insurance Salesperson

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