adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Longest-Living Man In Recorded History Dies At 116

Jiroemon Kimura, a Japanese man who was born in April 1897, died Wednesday of pneumonia in his hometown at the age of 116, making him the oldest male known to have ever lived. What do you think?

  • “Those last 30 years can’t have been fun.”

    Sean McCray Motorboat Mechanic
  • “For the love of God, please tell me a morning news show asked him his secret!”

    Mike Newell Thread Spooler
  • “He died in his hometown? What a loser.”

    Judith Armstrong Jigsaw Operator

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close