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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Longest-Living Man In Recorded History Dies At 116

Jiroemon Kimura, a Japanese man who was born in April 1897, died Wednesday of pneumonia in his hometown at the age of 116, making him the oldest male known to have ever lived. What do you think?

  • “Those last 30 years can’t have been fun.”

    Sean McCray Motorboat Mechanic
  • “For the love of God, please tell me a morning news show asked him his secret!”

    Mike Newell Thread Spooler
  • “He died in his hometown? What a loser.”

    Judith Armstrong Jigsaw Operator

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