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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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‘Lorax’ No. 1

The Lorax, the CGI adaptation of the classic Dr. Seuss book, opened No. 1 at the box office this weekend, bringing in more than $70 million. What do you think?

  • “I guess if you’re going to bastardize the work of Dr. Seuss, you might as well make a ton of money from it.”

    Jason Svenonius Latexer
  • “We can’t afford the movies anymore, so I just chopped down a bunch of trees while my kids cried.”

    Erica Gamboa Emblem Drawer-In
  • “I’m not surprised. Do you have any idea how long my children have been clamoring for a Danny DeVito–voiced animated feature?”

    Niles Canty Rug Dyer

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