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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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‘Lorax’ No. 1

The Lorax, the CGI adaptation of the classic Dr. Seuss book, opened No. 1 at the box office this weekend, bringing in more than $70 million. What do you think?

  • “I guess if you’re going to bastardize the work of Dr. Seuss, you might as well make a ton of money from it.”

    Jason Svenonius Latexer
  • “We can’t afford the movies anymore, so I just chopped down a bunch of trees while my kids cried.”

    Erica Gamboa Emblem Drawer-In
  • “I’m not surprised. Do you have any idea how long my children have been clamoring for a Danny DeVito–voiced animated feature?”

    Niles Canty Rug Dyer

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