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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Los Angeles Has Hottest Day Ever

Following a very moderate summer, temperatures in Los Angeles reached an all-time high of 113 degrees Fahrenheit this week. What do you think?

  • "Then I'm glad my screenplay was rejected, because I'd hate to have to fly out and meet with all the big-time movie producers in that terrible heat!"

    Aric Hempel Writer
  • "I'll add L.A. to the list of places to wear my nice linen shirt."

    Charles Gavin Logging Marker
  • "Jeez, what's it going to take for the universe to finally succeed in killing off Jeff Goldblum?"

    Catherine Aivazian Unemployed
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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