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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Lottery Reaches Record Jackpot

The multistate Mega Millions lottery jackpot has reached $640 million and become the largest prize of its kind in U.S. history. What do you think?

  • “Oh man, I’ve got $720 million in AmEx debt I’d love to pay down a little.”

    Sue Gordon Systems Analyst
  • "Speak to me, Fortuna. Lead me through the darkness and tell me which gas station to go to."

    Stephen Diamond In-Flight Refueling Operator
  • "Those things are always won by some podunk hick who wouldn’t know what to do with a dollar if it bit him in the—hey, wait a minute. That’s me!"

    John Spinell Unemployed

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