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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Lottery Reaches Record Jackpot

The multistate Mega Millions lottery jackpot has reached $640 million and become the largest prize of its kind in U.S. history. What do you think?

  • “Oh man, I’ve got $720 million in AmEx debt I’d love to pay down a little.”

    Sue Gordon Systems Analyst
  • "Speak to me, Fortuna. Lead me through the darkness and tell me which gas station to go to."

    Stephen Diamond In-Flight Refueling Operator
  • "Those things are always won by some podunk hick who wouldn’t know what to do with a dollar if it bit him in the—hey, wait a minute. That’s me!"

    John Spinell Unemployed

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