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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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  • More News

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN

The outspoken CNN anchor announced Wednesday that he was resigning, effective immediately. What do you think?
  • "Where on cable television am I supposed to find another right-wing, xenophobic, paranoid white guy pretending to be a journalist?"

    Petra Wimbish Systems Analyst
  • "It's going to be a tough adjustment period for Mrs. Dobbs, what with Lou being at home all the time, hanging out down in the basement and barking into his CB radio."

    Arthur LeBlanc Sidehand
  • "Finally, we'll get to hear what he really thinks about illegal immigrants."

    LaVonn McDonald Music Typographer
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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