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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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LSD Could Be Viable Alcoholism Treatment

A comprehensive analysis of LSD studies conducted in the 1960s and ’70s found that alcoholics were less likely to relapse if they took LSD under the controlled supervision of a psychiatrist. What do you think?

  • "No thanks. My doors of perception are blocked with empties, and they're going to stay that way."

    Jamie Harper General Helper
  • "Yeah, I can see how you’d be less prone to drink when your bottle of vodka screams at you to rip off its head."

    Liz Murray Public-Address Servicer
  • "Man, my psychiatrist sucks."

    Joe Pearson Dishwasher

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