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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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LSD Could Be Viable Alcoholism Treatment

A comprehensive analysis of LSD studies conducted in the 1960s and ’70s found that alcoholics were less likely to relapse if they took LSD under the controlled supervision of a psychiatrist. What do you think?

  • "No thanks. My doors of perception are blocked with empties, and they're going to stay that way."

    Jamie Harper General Helper
  • "Yeah, I can see how you’d be less prone to drink when your bottle of vodka screams at you to rip off its head."

    Liz Murray Public-Address Servicer
  • "Man, my psychiatrist sucks."

    Joe Pearson Dishwasher

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