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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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LSD Inventor Dead

Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who created the hallucinogen LSD, died the age of 102. What do you think?
  • "Shit. Did anyone remember to write down the recipe for LSD?"

    Jackie Alpert Grocer
  • "It's just like I tell my kids: If you get involved with drugs, you're going to end up dead."

    Tom Ostin Systems Analyst
  • "Oh man, there goes my hookup."

    Bart Stein Helicopter Pilot

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