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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Lugar Will Not Campaign For Republican Nominee

Sen. Dick Lugar (R-IN) announced he won’t campaign for Richard Mourdock, the Tea Party–backed candidate who defeated him in the primary. What do you think?

  • "What's he trying to prove? That Republicans can have dignity and character? Ship's sailed, buddy!"

    LeAnn Piper Home-Demonstration Agent
  • "Primaries really should have a clause that forces the loser to walk around in a sandwich board with the winner's face on it."

    Dennis Montone Systems Analyst
  • “He reminds me of the type of guy who after you steal his girlfriend won’t even tell you what she might like for her birthday.”

    Jack Marrow Lost-And-Found Clerk

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