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Luxury Cars Fail Crash Test

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Luxury Cars Fail Crash Test

Eight of 11 midsize luxury sedans failed to pass the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety’s tough new front-end crash test, with four such automobiles, including the Mercedes C-Class and Lexus ES, scoring the lowest possible rating of poor. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, but just think how impressed the EMTs will be.”

    Mika Buchanan
    Unemployed
  • “Tests like this are silly. Did you know you’re a million times more likely to die in a plane crash?”

    Geoffrey Alstadter
    Seedling Puller
  • “Good to know. So what’s the recommended angle at which I should crash my luxury sedan?”

    Christian Hobbs
    Taproom Attendant

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