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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Luxury Cars Fail Crash Test

Eight of 11 midsize luxury sedans failed to pass the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety’s tough new front-end crash test, with four such automobiles, including the Mercedes C-Class and Lexus ES, scoring the lowest possible rating of poor. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, but just think how impressed the EMTs will be.”

    Mika Buchanan Unemployed
  • “Tests like this are silly. Did you know you’re a million times more likely to die in a plane crash?”

    Geoffrey Alstadter Seedling Puller
  • “Good to know. So what’s the recommended angle at which I should crash my luxury sedan?”

    Christian Hobbs Taproom Attendant

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