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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Luxury Cars Fail Crash Test

Eight of 11 midsize luxury sedans failed to pass the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety’s tough new front-end crash test, with four such automobiles, including the Mercedes C-Class and Lexus ES, scoring the lowest possible rating of poor. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, but just think how impressed the EMTs will be.”

    Mika Buchanan Unemployed
  • “Tests like this are silly. Did you know you’re a million times more likely to die in a plane crash?”

    Geoffrey Alstadter Seedling Puller
  • “Good to know. So what’s the recommended angle at which I should crash my luxury sedan?”

    Christian Hobbs Taproom Attendant
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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