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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Macy’s Announces Store Closures, Layoffs

Following a sluggish holiday season and seven consecutive quarters of losses, Macy’s plans to shutter 63 of their locations and lay off 10,000 workers this spring. What do you think?

  • “That’s my bad. I haven’t bought a thing from any of those 63 locations in months.”

    Monique Lasser Systems Analyst
  • “Macy’s was always my favorite department store to walk through on my way to Wetzel’s Pretzels.”

    Dominic Dyrda Spatula Packager
  • “I knew the heady thrill of shopping local would have consequences.”

    Keith Finnegan Drawer Repairman

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