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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Macy’s Announces Store Closures, Layoffs

Following a sluggish holiday season and seven consecutive quarters of losses, Macy’s plans to shutter 63 of their locations and lay off 10,000 workers this spring. What do you think?

  • “That’s my bad. I haven’t bought a thing from any of those 63 locations in months.”

    Monique Lasser Systems Analyst
  • “Macy’s was always my favorite department store to walk through on my way to Wetzel’s Pretzels.”

    Dominic Dyrda Spatula Packager
  • “I knew the heady thrill of shopping local would have consequences.”

    Keith Finnegan Drawer Repairman

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