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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Madonna An 'Ambassador For Judaism'

Madonna, meeting with Israeli President Shimon Peres, told him that she was an ambassador for Judaism, despite not being Jewish herself. What do you think?
  • "I hope Jews reject that claim. The economy of La Isla Bonita is still in ruins after her tenure as finance minister in 1987."

    Adam McCaulley Marketing Executive
  • "I guess that explains why her private jet firebombed Lebanon on the way to Israel."

    Jake Palley Bouncer
  • "As the self-appointed ambassador for Madonna, I will speak for her and say that she's lost her mind."

    Shira Rosenthal Data Secialist

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