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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Madonna An 'Ambassador For Judaism'

Madonna, meeting with Israeli President Shimon Peres, told him that she was an ambassador for Judaism, despite not being Jewish herself. What do you think?
  • "I hope Jews reject that claim. The economy of La Isla Bonita is still in ruins after her tenure as finance minister in 1987."

    Adam McCaulley Marketing Executive
  • "I guess that explains why her private jet firebombed Lebanon on the way to Israel."

    Jake Palley Bouncer
  • "As the self-appointed ambassador for Madonna, I will speak for her and say that she's lost her mind."

    Shira Rosenthal Data Secialist
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