adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Madonna Banned From Movie Theater For Texting

Madonna was kicked out of the Alamo Drafthouse movie theater in New York for texting during the film 12 Years A Slave, with the CEO of the theater chain banning her from any of the company’s locations until she publicly apologizes for her behavior. What do you think?

  • “Looks like there’s a new bad girl on the scene.”

    Ted Launer Unemployed
  • “I knew that toned-down Madonna from A League Of Their Own wouldn’t last.”

    Martha Styles Food Bacteriologist
  • “We’ve had a strict no-Madonna policy since the ’80s.”

    Ron Coates CEO Of AMC Loews Movie Theaters

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close