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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Madonna's Adoption Flak

Critics of Madonna's decision to adopt a Malawian orphan are accusing the pop star of choosing the child like one would choose "a handbag." What do you think?
  • "It's only right that the boy should be raised by whomever can provide him the best faux-British life."

    Chip Malley Secretary
  • "Goddamn it, are there no celebrities left I can depend on to be totally selfish with their wealth?"

    Tony Martini Grape Picker
  • "Why is everyone acting like Madonna is this impetuous flake who constantly changes her look, follows trendy religions, and performs provocative acts for the sake of cheap publicity?"

    Megan Udall Doula

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