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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Madonna's Adoption Flak

Critics of Madonna's decision to adopt a Malawian orphan are accusing the pop star of choosing the child like one would choose "a handbag." What do you think?
  • "It's only right that the boy should be raised by whomever can provide him the best faux-British life."

    Chip Malley Secretary
  • "Goddamn it, are there no celebrities left I can depend on to be totally selfish with their wealth?"

    Tony Martini Grape Picker
  • "Why is everyone acting like Madonna is this impetuous flake who constantly changes her look, follows trendy religions, and performs provocative acts for the sake of cheap publicity?"

    Megan Udall Doula

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