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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Madonna's Adoption Flak

Critics of Madonna's decision to adopt a Malawian orphan are accusing the pop star of choosing the child like one would choose "a handbag." What do you think?
  • "It's only right that the boy should be raised by whomever can provide him the best faux-British life."

    Chip Malley Secretary
  • "Goddamn it, are there no celebrities left I can depend on to be totally selfish with their wealth?"

    Tony Martini Grape Picker
  • "Why is everyone acting like Madonna is this impetuous flake who constantly changes her look, follows trendy religions, and performs provocative acts for the sake of cheap publicity?"

    Megan Udall Doula

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