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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Male Babysitters Earn More Than Female Babysitters

A new report by the economics blog Priceonomics found that even though less than 3 percent of all babysitters are men, they earn a higher average wage than their female counterparts, with male babysitters earning an average of $15 an hour as opposed to $14.50 per hour for women. What do you think?

  • “At least with a boy I don’t have to worry about my family’s secrets being exploited in some Babysitters Club book.”

    Richard Hartlein Operations Analyst
  • “I’m surprised being more decisive in emergency situations is only worth an extra 50 cents an hour.”

    Jennifer Shoop Price Marker
  • “Women just need to be better at asking for what they want. Unless it’s an equal salary, that is.”

    Edward Connifer Special Assistant

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