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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Male Birth-Control Pill

Scientists are reportedly close to perfecting a birth-control pill for men that will stop the development of sperm. What do you think?
  • "If my wife can't remember to take her pill, what makes you think I can rely on her to make me take mine?"

    Peter Haynes Insurance Salesman
  • "I tend to be pretty forgetful, so once they release a male morning-after pill, I'll be all set."

    Paul Bannon Knife Sharpener
  • "We already bear the enormous responsibility of pulling out and now they want to make us do this?"

    Kyle Bruckner Systems Analyst

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