adBlockCheck

Mallard Fillmore Scribe DUI

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Mallard Fillmore Scribe DUI

Edward Bruce Tinsley, the creator of conservative-duck comic strip Mallard Fillmore, was arrested on DUI charges. What do you think?
  • "As a longtime Fillmore fan, I have to ask myself, what would a reactionary duck have to say about this?"

    Cara Libowitz
    Acupuncturist
  • "Is that a pun on our thirteenth president Millard Fillmore? I just got that, just now."

    Doug Troutman
    Telephone Installer
  • "This is so typical of the liberal media. Tinsley has a couple drinks and it's all over the news, but Cathy Guisewite gets all whacked out on PCP and punches a cop and you barely hear a thing about it."

    Matt Behling
    Systems Analyst

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close