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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Man Arrested In Federal Reserve Bomb Plot

A 21-year-old Bangladeshi man who allegedly claimed ties to al-Qaeda has been accused of attempting to blow up the Federal Reserve Bank in Lower Manhattan with a van full of inoperable explosives supplied to him by undercover agents. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, I did a lot of stupid stuff like that when I was 21, too.”

    Norine Kutchaver Unemployed
  • “Al-Qaeda? Boy, that takes me back.”

    Michael Prentice Airport Manager
  • “How cute would it be if the guy, right as he tried to detonate it, put his fingers in his ears in preparation for this big loud boom he thought was coming?”

    Stuart Krogman Egg Pasteurizer

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