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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Man Drives Car Into Wal-Mart, Assaults Shoppers

A man is in custody in San Jose, CA after he struck two cars with his Oldsmobile in a Wal-Mart parking lot Sunday, drove through the storefront, and then exited his vehicle and assaulted three store patrons and an employee with a blunt object. What do you think?

  • “Is there no space left that’s sacred?”

    Mira Sandknop Casket Liner
  • “Nice to see some blunt-object violence for a change.”

    E.J. Morgenthal Animal Trainer
  • “I’m bad at parking, too.”

    Zack Helstrom Systems Analyst

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