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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man To Skydive From Edge Of Space

With sponsorship from energy-drink maker Red Bull, Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner will ride a helium balloon to the edge of outer space and skydive from a record height of 23 miles, provided weather conditions allow. What do you think?

  • “That Red Bull should help him stay awake during that super boring fall.”

    Patsy Collingwood Unemployed
  • “He’s just doing it for the attention; nobody give it to him.”

    Craig Westerby Delinquent-Account Clerk
  • “It’s just like Red Bull’s slogan: ‘Red Bull will fucking kill you.’”

    Bernard Henson Horse Exerciser

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