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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Man To Skydive From Edge Of Space

With sponsorship from energy-drink maker Red Bull, Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner will ride a helium balloon to the edge of outer space and skydive from a record height of 23 miles, provided weather conditions allow. What do you think?

  • “That Red Bull should help him stay awake during that super boring fall.”

    Patsy Collingwood Unemployed
  • “He’s just doing it for the attention; nobody give it to him.”

    Craig Westerby Delinquent-Account Clerk
  • “It’s just like Red Bull’s slogan: ‘Red Bull will fucking kill you.’”

    Bernard Henson Horse Exerciser
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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

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