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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his assailant. What do you think?

  • “This voodoo doll is more powerful than I ever could have imagined.”

    Wendy Rathaus Systems Analyst
  • “He does have one of those faces you just want to swing an air conditioner at.”

    Carlton Tracy Rehabilitation Therapist
  • “He didn’t deserve this. Maybe being struck with a lamp, but not this.”

    Bernie Cross Weaving Instructor

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