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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man With 'Popcorn Lung' Awarded $7 Million

A jury awarded $7.2 million in damages to a man diagnosed with “Popcorn Lung,” a respiratory disease he may have developed from inhaling a chemical in artificial butter flavoring during a decade in which he ate two bags of microwave popcorn a day. What do you think?

  • “Wow, that must have been some decade!”

    Miles Corkery Edge Sander
  • “Did he mention what brand it was? If he was eating that much, it must be pretty good popcorn.”

    Randy McGlone Phone Book Deliverer
  • “He should have read the warning about keeping the product well away from one’s nose and mouth.”

    Marilyn Cheshire Wharf Attendant

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