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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Man With 'Popcorn Lung' Awarded $7 Million

A jury awarded $7.2 million in damages to a man diagnosed with “Popcorn Lung,” a respiratory disease he may have developed from inhaling a chemical in artificial butter flavoring during a decade in which he ate two bags of microwave popcorn a day. What do you think?

  • “Wow, that must have been some decade!”

    Miles Corkery Edge Sander
  • “Did he mention what brand it was? If he was eating that much, it must be pretty good popcorn.”

    Randy McGlone Phone Book Deliverer
  • “He should have read the warning about keeping the product well away from one’s nose and mouth.”

    Marilyn Cheshire Wharf Attendant

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