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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Many Cancer Deaths Preventable

According to the American Cancer Society, more than 60 percent of all cancer deaths could be prevented if Americans lived healthier lives. What do you think?
  • "Preventable? What those doctors really mean is 'preventable with minor effort and inconvenience.'"

    Preston Brady Systems Analyst
  • "So, all I have to do is cut out smoking, drinking, eating, breathing, and driving, and I'll die of something other than cancer? Hooray!"

    Darla Clayton Teacher
  • "When I had cancer, I received care and attention for the first time in my life. What makes you think I'd trade that for jogging three miles a day by myself?"

    Damon Frank Tax Preparer
  • "That advice is all well and good, but what about people like me, who don't have the time to not smoke?"

    Trudy Massey Stock Clerk
  • "My dad smoked like a chimney, ate only steaks, and drank bourbon every day, and he lived to be 54. Keep in mind, this was back in the '70s, when that was considered quite old."

    Peter Logan Technical Writer
  • "Boy, I'd hate to get a disease and die at 60 instead of enjoying those extra three decades of livin' la vida nursing home."

    Bennie Lloyd Unemployed
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