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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Many Cancer Deaths Preventable

According to the American Cancer Society, more than 60 percent of all cancer deaths could be prevented if Americans lived healthier lives. What do you think?
  • "Preventable? What those doctors really mean is 'preventable with minor effort and inconvenience.'"

    Preston Brady Systems Analyst
  • "So, all I have to do is cut out smoking, drinking, eating, breathing, and driving, and I'll die of something other than cancer? Hooray!"

    Darla Clayton Teacher
  • "When I had cancer, I received care and attention for the first time in my life. What makes you think I'd trade that for jogging three miles a day by myself?"

    Damon Frank Tax Preparer
  • "That advice is all well and good, but what about people like me, who don't have the time to not smoke?"

    Trudy Massey Stock Clerk
  • "My dad smoked like a chimney, ate only steaks, and drank bourbon every day, and he lived to be 54. Keep in mind, this was back in the '70s, when that was considered quite old."

    Peter Logan Technical Writer
  • "Boy, I'd hate to get a disease and die at 60 instead of enjoying those extra three decades of livin' la vida nursing home."

    Bennie Lloyd Unemployed

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