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Many Lack Potable Water

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Many Lack Potable Water

According to a recent U.N. report, more than one billion people worldwide lack access to clean drinking water. What do you think?
  • "The law of nature is 'adapt or die.' If those one billion people want to survive, they'll just have to evolve past the need to drink water."

    Jennifer Gerber Auditor
  • "Yesterday, I poured a bunch of water down the drain after cooking some pasta. I could've helped an African with that water. I'm so stupid!"

    Jesse Miller Clerk
  • "This problem will be gone as soon as the earth's temperature increases enough to boil the world's lakes and streams, effectively sterilizing them."

    Mark Kunde Systems Analyst
  • "I'm sorry, but if these people are too lazy to refill their Brita pitchers..."

    Kristin Leffe Publicist
  • "When I was a kid growing up in Love Canal, we didn't have uncontaminated water. Did we complain about it? No. We just shut up and got cancer."

    Mark Henley Musical Director
  • "Thus we see the first tremors of what history will someday call 'The Volvic Wars.'"

    Jeffrey Larsen Usher

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