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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Many Lack Potable Water

According to a recent U.N. report, more than one billion people worldwide lack access to clean drinking water. What do you think?
  • "The law of nature is 'adapt or die.' If those one billion people want to survive, they'll just have to evolve past the need to drink water."

    Jennifer Gerber Auditor
  • "Yesterday, I poured a bunch of water down the drain after cooking some pasta. I could've helped an African with that water. I'm so stupid!"

    Jesse Miller Clerk
  • "This problem will be gone as soon as the earth's temperature increases enough to boil the world's lakes and streams, effectively sterilizing them."

    Mark Kunde Systems Analyst
  • "I'm sorry, but if these people are too lazy to refill their Brita pitchers..."

    Kristin Leffe Publicist
  • "When I was a kid growing up in Love Canal, we didn't have uncontaminated water. Did we complain about it? No. We just shut up and got cancer."

    Mark Henley Musical Director
  • "Thus we see the first tremors of what history will someday call 'The Volvic Wars.'"

    Jeffrey Larsen Usher

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