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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Marcel Marceau Dead

Famed French mime Marcel Marceau is dead at 84. What do you think?
  • "While the world will miss Marcel Marceau the man, his character 'Bip' will always live on in my nightmares."

    Kurt Jurgens Window Washer
  • "The sorrow I feel can best be expressed with a rousing speech spoken through a bullhorn."

    Jennifer Van Houten Manicurist
  • "[tear falls from eye] [wiping away of the tear] [solemn wave goodbye] [exit via imaginary stairs]"

    Ritch Gerald Investment Banker
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