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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mariah Spawns Twins

Singer Mariah Carey gave birth to twins, one boy and one girl, on Saturday. What do you think?

  • "This settles it: She's way better than Whitney Houston."

    Max Ferguson Mine Surveyor
  • “Those lucky kids are going to get screamed at in octaves most children can only dream of."

    Nicki Udhin Wig Dresser
  • "That's great news! Now our country finally has something to be happy about."

    Harlan Raven Unemployed

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