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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Marijuana Smokers Skinnier

According to new research, pot smokers have smaller waist circumferences and have higher levels of “good” HDL cholesterol than those who do not use marijuana, even after controlling for other factors such as age, sex, and level of physical activity. What do you think?

  • “I knew it! Not smoking pot has made me obese.”

    Ross Bottomley Pillow Cleaner
  • “We get it, medical community. Stop stuffing marijuana down our throats.”

    Vinny Worley Muskrat Trapper
  • “Hmm, did they happen to say anything about sniffing markers?”

    Jocelyn Crane Stunt Driver

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