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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Marijuana Use Linked To Testicular Cancer

A study from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle found that marijuana smokers had an increased risk of developing testicular cancer. What do you think?
  • "I'm such a goody two-shoes. I just assumed that marijuana was smoked through the mouth."

    Andrea Upman Segment Manager
  • "And an increased chance of ordering extra cheese on that Papa John's pizza! I'm just kidding. This is a serious issue."

    Gregory Watson Pre-Pack Technician
  • "I always try to make sure my testicles eat right and get plenty of exercise. But that's not because I smoke pot; it's because I drop lots of acid."

    Brad Schmitt Systems Analyst

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