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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Marijuana Vending Machine Unveiled In Colorado

A company called American Green has unveiled an automated, climate-controlled pot vending machine called the ZaZZZ, which dispenses medical marijuana only and uses ID fraud technology to verify users’ ages. What do you think?

  • “Nothing legitimizes medicine like selling it from a vending machine.”

    Joe Hayes 3D Animator
  • “This sounds like something a stoned person came up with and a sober friend implemented.”

    Adam Cantor Lens Mounter
  • “Can I still have an awkward conversation with the machine while I’m waiting for it to give me my drugs?”

    Kristen Cuddeback Daycare Assistant

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