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Married People More Likely To Beat Cancer

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Married People More Likely To Beat Cancer

A recent study found that married people are 20 percent more likely to survive a battle with cancer than their unmarried peers. What do you think?

  • “You can also save a ton of money splitting stuff like the cable bill and rent.”

    Erwin Stroud Consultant
  • “This just makes my husband’s death that much more embarrassing.”

    Chrissy Hurley Auctioneer
  • “I also keep a couple mistresses just to be extra safe.”

    Brian Susi Hide Inspector

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