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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Mars Rover Lands Safely

The NASA rover Curiosity touched down safely on the Martian surface following a complex descent and landing procedure that scientists had dubbed the "seven minutes of terror." What do you think?

  • “Yeah, if by ‘safely’ you mean it will never again return home to see the scientists who made it. Poor Mars rover.”

    Veronica Forchion Systems Analyst
  • “Didn’t we dissolve the space program? No? All right, let’s collect some more dirt samples, I guess.”

    Joey De Young Jack Setter
  • “Wake me up when this leads to an invention like Velcro.”

    Paul Hesseman Orthotics Technician

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