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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Martha's Mess

Implicated in the ImClone trading scandal, Martha Stewart is now accused of illegally dumping her own company's stock, as well. What do you think?
  • "You'd think Martha, of all people, would know how to put those worthless old stock certificates to good use instead of just dumping them."

    Linda Symanski Realtor
  • "Have they built a jail cell strong enough to hold her?"

    Benjamin <br>Robison Systems Analyst
  • "Poor Martha. She showed a lost and confused world how to spruce up those ho-hum wall sconces, and this is how we thank her."

    Beth Atkinson Graduate <br>Student
  • Young Man "I really don't think it's right for us to act as Martha Stewart's judge, jury, and executioner. Executioner will have to do."

    Frank Bergin Contractor
  • "Funny, the Martha Stewart Living web site doesn't mention anything about this."

    George Adamle Civil Engineer
  • "First the Catholic Church, now Martha. Who's going to be left to make us feel bad about ourselves?"

    Norman Linn File Clerk

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