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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Martha's Mess

Implicated in the ImClone trading scandal, Martha Stewart is now accused of illegally dumping her own company's stock, as well. What do you think?
  • "You'd think Martha, of all people, would know how to put those worthless old stock certificates to good use instead of just dumping them."

    Linda Symanski Realtor
  • "Have they built a jail cell strong enough to hold her?"

    Benjamin <br>Robison Systems Analyst
  • "Poor Martha. She showed a lost and confused world how to spruce up those ho-hum wall sconces, and this is how we thank her."

    Beth Atkinson Graduate <br>Student
  • Young Man "I really don't think it's right for us to act as Martha Stewart's judge, jury, and executioner. Executioner will have to do."

    Frank Bergin Contractor
  • "Funny, the Martha Stewart Living web site doesn't mention anything about this."

    George Adamle Civil Engineer
  • "First the Catholic Church, now Martha. Who's going to be left to make us feel bad about ourselves?"

    Norman Linn File Clerk

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