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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Marvel Announces Thor Will Now Be Represented As A Woman

Marvel Comics has announced that the character Thor will now be represented as a woman, though she will still be referred to as the “God of Thunder” and wield the hammer of Thor, with officials explaining that “if we can accept Thor as a frog and a horse-faced alien, we should be able to accept a woman.” What do you think?

  • “Hopefully this will inspire all the young girls out there who dream of one day wielding the enchanted hammer Mjölnir.”

    Gary Fotchman Unemployed
  • “Finally, the world is ready to accept a beautiful, blond, Scandinavian woman.”

    Macland Pierce Snorkel Shack Owner
  • “As long as the character is still white.”

    Rebecca Champlain Inventory Taker

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