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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Marvel Announces Thor Will Now Be Represented As A Woman

Marvel Comics has announced that the character Thor will now be represented as a woman, though she will still be referred to as the “God of Thunder” and wield the hammer of Thor, with officials explaining that “if we can accept Thor as a frog and a horse-faced alien, we should be able to accept a woman.” What do you think?

  • “Hopefully this will inspire all the young girls out there who dream of one day wielding the enchanted hammer Mjölnir.”

    Gary Fotchman Unemployed
  • “Finally, the world is ready to accept a beautiful, blond, Scandinavian woman.”

    Macland Pierce Snorkel Shack Owner
  • “As long as the character is still white.”

    Rebecca Champlain Inventory Taker

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