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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Mass Transit Use Increases

Predictably, rising gas prices have led to an increase in mass-transit use. What do you think?
  • "Mass transit is a perfect solution. The thought of wasting money on gas disgusts me, and the thought of walking anywhere downright terrifies me."

    Julia Harrison Technical Consultant
  • "On the bright side, the additional people on the subways gives me a whole new variety of potential stab victims."

    Joe Varick Office Manager
  • "I miss being alone in my car. You should see the looks I get when I toss my empty McDonald's wrappers in the row behind me, sing along loudly to my music, and flip people off."

    Erik Doe Systems Analyst
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