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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mass Transit Use Increases

Predictably, rising gas prices have led to an increase in mass-transit use. What do you think?
  • "Mass transit is a perfect solution. The thought of wasting money on gas disgusts me, and the thought of walking anywhere downright terrifies me."

    Julia Harrison Technical Consultant
  • "On the bright side, the additional people on the subways gives me a whole new variety of potential stab victims."

    Joe Varick Office Manager
  • "I miss being alone in my car. You should see the looks I get when I toss my empty McDonald's wrappers in the row behind me, sing along loudly to my music, and flip people off."

    Erik Doe Systems Analyst

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