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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Massachusetts Mayors Battle Melatonin Brownie

The mayors of Fall River, MA and New Bedford, MA are seeking to ban Lazy Cakes, a brownie containing 8 milligrams of melatonin, claiming the cartoon character on its package is being used to market the product to children. What do you think?

  • “Melatonin is a potent chemical that should only be available under the care of a professional GNC clerk.”

    Jackson Lett Dial-Screw Assembler
  • "I always fall asleep after eating an entire cake of any kind, so the melatonin seems unnecessary to me."

    Brianna Burns Knife Setter
  • "Take it easy, mayors. Ted Kennedy's dead. You don't have to worry about him powering one down and then driving on the sidewalk."

    Larry Gillan Unemployed

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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