adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Massachusetts Mayors Battle Melatonin Brownie

The mayors of Fall River, MA and New Bedford, MA are seeking to ban Lazy Cakes, a brownie containing 8 milligrams of melatonin, claiming the cartoon character on its package is being used to market the product to children. What do you think?

  • “Melatonin is a potent chemical that should only be available under the care of a professional GNC clerk.”

    Jackson Lett Dial-Screw Assembler
  • "I always fall asleep after eating an entire cake of any kind, so the melatonin seems unnecessary to me."

    Brianna Burns Knife Setter
  • "Take it easy, mayors. Ted Kennedy's dead. You don't have to worry about him powering one down and then driving on the sidewalk."

    Larry Gillan Unemployed

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close