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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Massive Asteroid Could Hit Earth In 2032

Ukrainian scientists identified a 1,300-foot wide asteroid, large enough to potentially wipe out human civilization, that they projected would strike the planet in 2032, though NASA’s calculations place the likelihood of an impact at one in 48,000. What do you think?

  • “I’ve pretty much done everything I wanted to.”

    Mo Zajonc Pasteurizer Operator
  • “Our catastrophically high sea levels will probably soften the blow.”

    Gail Applegate Systems Analyst
  • “Who cares? By 2032 we’ll all be so old it won’t even matter.”

    Samuel Consolo Rose Grower

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