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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Match.com Screening For Sex Offenders

Following a lawsuit from a woman alleging she was raped by a man she met on Match.com who had previously been convicted of sexual battery, the dating website announced it would begin vetting its members to exclude known sex offenders. What do you think?

  • "I'm glad they didn't have that policy two years ago, or I never would've met Dave."

    Tabitha Stocking Classifier Tender
  • "Hey, if they want to give up all that sex offender business to eHarmony, that's their call."

    Dean Warren Systems Analyst
  • "Being barred from the site seems too punitive. They should just have to send a short message to each Match.com user as soon as they join, notifying everyone of their sex offender status."

    Darren Blanck Unemployed

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