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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Match.com Screening For Sex Offenders

Following a lawsuit from a woman alleging she was raped by a man she met on Match.com who had previously been convicted of sexual battery, the dating website announced it would begin vetting its members to exclude known sex offenders. What do you think?

  • "I'm glad they didn't have that policy two years ago, or I never would've met Dave."

    Tabitha Stocking Classifier Tender
  • "Hey, if they want to give up all that sex offender business to eHarmony, that's their call."

    Dean Warren Systems Analyst
  • "Being barred from the site seems too punitive. They should just have to send a short message to each Match.com user as soon as they join, notifying everyone of their sex offender status."

    Darren Blanck Unemployed

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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