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After Birth

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Math Skills Show Little Growth

Testing of American fourth- and eighth-graders shows that only four out of 10 are proficient in mathematics, a figure that has not improved since 2007. What do you think?
  • "Oh, no. All of our high-paying jobs differentiating between parallelograms and rhombuses are sure to go to the Chinese."

    Ann Gaddis Fan-Blade Aligner
  • "Well, duh. Everyone knows history is where it's at."

    Patrick Fanning Galvanizer
  • "Oh hell, when is the real world ever going to have any use for today’s American kids anyway?"

    Steve Weid Systems Analyst

After Birth

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