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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Mattel Announces Barbie Movie

Toymaker Mattel announced that it has teamed up with Sony Studios to produce a live-action Barbie movie, a comedy that will reportedly follow the character as she takes on many of the dozens of roles the doll has adopted over the years. What do you think?

  • “Why would Hollywood be interested in a rail-thin blond they can easily manipulate?”

    Jean Swinson Accounts Manager
  • “They better not fuck up her backstory.”

    Marc Halpersin U-Haul Truck Driver
  • “I doubt the film will be able to capture the excitement and fun of putting clothes on dolls.”

    Steve Simms Unemployed

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