Mayhem In The Mideast

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Vol 36 Issue 37

Historical Inaccuracy Found In Wild West Strip Show

LAS VEGAS– Donald Nance, a vacationing Massillon, OH, accountant and history buff, detected a historical inaccuracy Monday in a Wild West-themed topless revue at Las Vegas' Mustang Club. "If you look at the pistols Miss Kitty was brandishing, they were clearly of a make not produced by the Colt factories until well after the turn of the century," Nance said. "And the kind of white patent-leather boots worn by the strippers were not produced at any time during the Westward Expansion phase." Nance also noted that pasties of the Wild West era did not feature tassels.

Indian Teen Caught Playing Air Sitar

HYDERABAD, INDIA– Rajesh Gopalakrishnan, 15, was deeply embarrassed Monday when his sister and her friend barged in on him as he played air sitar in his room. "Don't you know how to knock?" said a red-faced Gopalakrishnan, who was caught sitting cross-legged in front of his mirror, imitating Ravi Shankar while the sitar god's classic 1973 Ragas album played loudly. "The door is closed for a reason! Shiva." Gopalakrishnan, who also ran his hands through his hair and mimed a ferocious tabla solo before being interrupted, later added: "Arundhati Shridhar, the girl to whom I am promised for marriage, just saw me acting like a fool. I'm so humiliated, I could move on to my next life."

First-Aid Tips

In a medical emergency, knowing what to do can make all the difference. Here are some tips to help you handle an unexpected injury or illness:

The Beatles Anthology

The 368-page Beatles Anthology, touted as the most authoritative account of the Fab Four, hit the bookstores last week. What are some of its more notable revelations?

I Will Decide What Is Appropriate For Children!

Among the mewling, puking horde of bottle-babies that is The Onion's reader-ship, there have always been those who seek to tell me how to run my business. Indeed, hardly a week goes by in which this strident minority of harpies are not complaining about my use of lead-based inks, the occasional tooth which has been pressed into the financial section, or The Onion's continued silence on the prison-reform issue.

I Been Trying To Figure Out A Way To Make Some Scratch

Hola, amigos. What's the situation? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mountain of problems. First off, I had a major toothache that kept me awake for three nights in a row. The only good thing about it was that by the third night, I was seeing all kinds of fucked-up stuff. I mean, you remember that scene from The Wall where those hammers are marching? That's the kind of stuff I saw. No joke.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Mayhem In The Mideast

Mideast peace efforts have broken down in recent days, with Israeli-Palestinian violence erupting throughout the troubled region. What do you think?
  • "The U.N. should lay down the law: No more visits to the Wailing Wall or the Dome Of The Rock until a certain two ethnic groups learn to behave themselves."

    Grace Delaney
    Dental Hygienist
  • "In these times of trouble, they should turn to the Bible."

    Michael Weathers
    Pastor
  • "Right now, they're just throwing rocks at each other, but it could get much worse: I've heard rumors that Israel has the boulder."

    Peter Bryson
    Systems Analyst
  • "Boy, whoever's mediating these discussions sure does suck."

    Omar Bilal
    Cashier
  • "If only one side was a little darker so I could figure out who was right."

    Dan Voss
    Truck Driver
  • "Maybe we need to stop thinking of this as a Mideast crisis and just think of it as Mideast culture."

    Diane DeSilva
    Speech Therapist
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