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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Mayhem In The Mideast

Mideast peace efforts have broken down in recent days, with Israeli-Palestinian violence erupting throughout the troubled region. What do you think?
  • "The U.N. should lay down the law: No more visits to the Wailing Wall or the Dome Of The Rock until a certain two ethnic groups learn to behave themselves."

    Grace Delaney Dental Hygienist
  • "In these times of trouble, they should turn to the Bible."

    Michael Weathers Pastor
  • "Right now, they're just throwing rocks at each other, but it could get much worse: I've heard rumors that Israel has the boulder."

    Peter Bryson Systems Analyst
  • "Boy, whoever's mediating these discussions sure does suck."

    Omar Bilal Cashier
  • "If only one side was a little darker so I could figure out who was right."

    Dan Voss Truck Driver
  • "Maybe we need to stop thinking of this as a Mideast crisis and just think of it as Mideast culture."

    Diane DeSilva Speech Therapist

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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