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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Mayor Says To Lose Weight

Mick Cornett, the mayor of Oklahoma City, has challenged every citizen to lose a collective 1 million pounds in an effort to help the state capital shed the distinction of being one of America's fattest cities. What do you think?
  • "If they're really serious about attaining this goal, the first thing they need to do is stop eating each other."

    Sam Kennedy Medical Transcriber
  • "Collective weight loss will take forever. Just take it all off Mama Dunster. She's got at least a million and a half to give."

    Jess MacNamara Field Manager
  • "What, and go back to being famous for that smell?"

    Larry Queenan Camp Counselor

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