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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary

Senator John McCain surprised observers by winning the Republican vote in the New Hampshire primary. What do you think?
  • "If I've ever trusted a state to set the stage for the presidential election, it's the one that leads the country in per capita sales of alcohol."

    Rebecca Carlson Systems Analyst
  • "You know, I'm happy for him. If a guy spends five years getting tortured by the Viet Cong, the least we can do is toss a primary or two his way."

    Paul Messner Chiropractor
  • "While I agree with much of his policies, I can't, with clear conscience, condone his age."

    Thad Cowley Canvas Stretcher

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